Poocisions

If you don't want to read about poop then stop reading.  Seriously, stop.

I've made many poo decisions, poocisions, over the last nine months.  Most of them have been bad poocisions.  The first one was made when he was itty bitty brand new.  I thought he was done doing his business and I wanted to be an efficient mother.  I laid my sweet beautiful child down on his changing table and then the poop hit the fan.  Or rather my arm and chest.  That's when I started the 10 minute rule.  If I didn't hear any rumblings for 10 minutes then it is safe to change.  It hasn't failed me yet (knock on wood). 

Since then, I've had many poop crossroads enter my life.  Recently I came across two pretty good ones.  And because I'm a sucker for toilet humor, that's right I'm in third grade-- whatevs, I'm going to share them with you.

The first story actually happened the most recently but it's the lesser of the stories so I'll share first.  Jeff usually comes home from work for lunch.  It gives Keighan and Jeff a chance to hang out and gives me a chance to eat some lunch in peace.  This particular day Jeff was unable to come home so I was on my own for lunch which is really no big deal.  I fed my little guy, got him all cleaned up, and let him play as I started making a grilled cheese sandwich.

This was no ordinary grilled cheese.  We don't buy white bread in our house but we recently bought some for Keighan and so I took two pieces of this terribly bad for you deliciousness and put two large slices of cheese in between them and made the prettiest sandwich, Kraft commercials would be jealous.  At the end of the cooking, I heard the rumbling of Keighan-- the 10 minute clock had started.

I sat to eat it and the first bite was heavenly.  Keighan was playing happily and I was glad that I was able to peacefully eat a sandwich.  That's when he crawled up beside me and I saw this...

 Dang it.  So now I have to leave my warm, melty, amazingness to change nastiness?  That would be the good mom thing to do.  But how could I leave this behind?

So I didn't.  I ate it all and just watched his pants get more disgusting.  That's right, that's what I did.  Mom of the year.

The second story is much much better.  I haven't been feeding Keighan at night in an effort to make him sleep through the night (it doesn't work but whatever).  So when he cried at around 7 one morning I knew he would be hungry.  I walked in to his room and was greeted with the delightful smell of poo in the air.  Nothing unusual, as Keighan frequently cleans himself out in the morning before yelling for me to come smell it and do something about it.  He was doing one of his pitiful "I'm really hungry" cries so I decided that since he only takes a few minutes to eat that I would just nurse him real quick and then change him.  Worst poocision yet.

I don't turn any lights on in Keigs' room when I go in there so that our eyes can adjust naturally to the sunlight slowly coming in.  There was no sunlight yet and it was pitch dark in his room.  I started to feed him and his stench started to make itself known.  It really stunk.  Like the big ol' "D" word of the poo world.  Don't act like you don't know what I'm talkin about.  It wasn't just gross, it was McNasty.  Gag worthy.  I didn't know what he had done but oh em gee was it bad.  

As my eyes began to adjust I could see that his pajamas didn't look quite right in the crotch.  It was as if it was discolored, almost black.  I couldn't quite tell because it was still dark.  And I was purposefully being oblivious. 

Did I mention Keighan was taking FOREVER to eat?  His usual 3 minute scarf had turned into a 9 course meal and I had been there for at least 15 minutes.  I finally had to pop him off myself deciding that I could just feed him afterwards if he's still interested.

Keighan is way too big for his changing table now so we tend to change him on the ground or on our bed.  I was headed to our bedroom with wipes, a diaper, and gagging all the way.  Jeff stepped out of the bathroom at that moment and he saw the frantic crazed cat glowing eyes look as I said, "I think we have a poo emergency!"  I laid Keighan down on our bed in the light and there it was.  The poop was all over the crotch of his pjs, all up the back, all down the legs, in the socks, on my arm.  And the diaper was FULL.  There was nowhere for it to go but to where it did go.  It took so many wipes to clean that I couldn't close the diaper afterwards.  It had to be taken straight to the outside trash can.  In the process, our bed sheets and multiple sites on my arm received the mark of the poo as well.  Also receiving the mark: Keighan's bed sheets, boppy cover, and changing pad.  Awesome.  Terrible poocision to wait to change him.

I can't wait for a few more years and he will be doing his crazy number twos in the toity bowl.  Yippee!

If you haven't had enough poo stories of Keighan, head over to Annie's post about her time with the Keigmeister and his bodily functions.  http://the-saucy-gnome.blogspot.com/2012/03/keighan-100-effective.html